Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
