At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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