Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
