I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my being single is dangerous.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
