I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
