This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She even gives head with a lisp.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
