I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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