How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
