VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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