New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
