He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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