I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize