I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize