I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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