Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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