google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
