Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
