so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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