When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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