dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
In America we eat man semen.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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