you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
