Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
