just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
