The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize