I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
