Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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