Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
