You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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