Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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