just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
