You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize