I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
