When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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