if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize