I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize