I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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