you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
