So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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