She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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