mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
