It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize