i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
