Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
