You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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