You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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