mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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