matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
