im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
