I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i think i have herpe
just one?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
