Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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