Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
