Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
