The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
