No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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