I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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