I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
