Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
