is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize