That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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