I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
