I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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