We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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