I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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