Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
