I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
